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Sunday, January 14, 2007
Keeping The Links Together
August-1944 It was after an allied bombardment of my parent's pig farm, on the outskirts of Schweinburg, that I took up the cause. 5,000 pigs were lost, 20,000 sausages that would never be. I was lucky, I was already processed and packaged, and on the way to the market. It was just outside the walls of Schweinburg, that myself, and fellow brothers-in-arms, Knockwurst, Liverwurst, and Blutwurst, were able to escape the meat delivery wagon.
Making our way back to the farm was tough, dodging enemy patrols, allied bombardments, and the occassional hungry german shepherds. Blutwurst took a nipping, but made it out of the dog's mouth intact. Just cresting the hill before the farm, marauding P-51 Mustangs took several strafing runs at us, breaking the group of four apart. We were able to reconsolidate near dusk, when four sausages running on a hillside wasn't so obvious to allied pilots.
When we got to the farm, there was...nothing,....nothing left. The bombardment leveled the house, leveled the barns, and all the pigs were gone too. The only thing that remained was a huge bombed-out crater, and the ever-present eerie odor of barbecue. At this sight, and what a sad sight it was, that the four of us, four sausages, would keep the links together. (No pun intended)
After gathering our arms, we made off to stir trouble--you know, a little payback. Our first success was coming across an enemy camp, where Knockwurst and Liverwurst were able to tie the boots of 5 GI's together, I bet they went on a nice trip after that!
Finally, we made it to one of our camps. With decimated numbers, the lieutenant there was pleased to see us, so much so, that we were immediately sworn in as official soldats of his division, Grosswurstland. Now, true soldiers of the Wurstmarcht, we were all outfitted with better gear, and as sausages, one boot per soldier. We relaxed by the stereophone, sipping Lowenbrau and listening to the angelic voices of the Vienna Sausage Choir. That was shortlived, as regular human soldiers in our division took a culinary liking to us. Not to be anyone's dinner, we took the first assignment that came up, that would get us out of camp.
Under this division, we would see action everywhere, France, Holland, Belgium, our country, you name it, we were there. The Battle of Bastogne Bologne, The Battle of Sieg-Fried Pork, The Battle of Chipped Hamburg, The Battle of Porkloin, The Battle of Eggszinsteaks, are all just a few examples of the battles we fought in. The four of us took each battle in stride, keeping the links together. But war is unpredictable, and soon the four would be three.
Making our way back to the farm was tough, dodging enemy patrols, allied bombardments, and the occassional hungry german shepherds. Blutwurst took a nipping, but made it out of the dog's mouth intact. Just cresting the hill before the farm, marauding P-51 Mustangs took several strafing runs at us, breaking the group of four apart. We were able to reconsolidate near dusk, when four sausages running on a hillside wasn't so obvious to allied pilots.
When we got to the farm, there was...nothing,....nothing left. The bombardment leveled the house, leveled the barns, and all the pigs were gone too. The only thing that remained was a huge bombed-out crater, and the ever-present eerie odor of barbecue. At this sight, and what a sad sight it was, that the four of us, four sausages, would keep the links together. (No pun intended)
After gathering our arms, we made off to stir trouble--you know, a little payback. Our first success was coming across an enemy camp, where Knockwurst and Liverwurst were able to tie the boots of 5 GI's together, I bet they went on a nice trip after that!
Finally, we made it to one of our camps. With decimated numbers, the lieutenant there was pleased to see us, so much so, that we were immediately sworn in as official soldats of his division, Grosswurstland. Now, true soldiers of the Wurstmarcht, we were all outfitted with better gear, and as sausages, one boot per soldier. We relaxed by the stereophone, sipping Lowenbrau and listening to the angelic voices of the Vienna Sausage Choir. That was shortlived, as regular human soldiers in our division took a culinary liking to us. Not to be anyone's dinner, we took the first assignment that came up, that would get us out of camp.
Under this division, we would see action everywhere, France, Holland, Belgium, our country, you name it, we were there. The Battle of Bastogne Bologne, The Battle of Sieg-Fried Pork, The Battle of Chipped Hamburg, The Battle of Porkloin, The Battle of Eggszinsteaks, are all just a few examples of the battles we fought in. The four of us took each battle in stride, keeping the links together. But war is unpredictable, and soon the four would be three.
From Four To Three
September 1944- After some tough fighting, our skin became a little tougher, and we all needed a little break. That break would come after one more assignment, one big assignment handed down from the fuhrer himself. The village of Ball de Park Francs was overtaken by allied troops, isolating several stocked hot dog carts-containing hundreds of fellow weiner soldiers, from making contact with the Wurstmarcht. If the occupation was too long, well, we all know what the fate of our fellow weiner soldiers would be---death by consumption. The fuhrer's plan was simple, with the assistance of the Luftsausage, the four of us would parachute into the center of Ball de Park Francs, commando-style and under the veil of darkness. Once on the ground, we would liberate the captive weiners, and push the allies out of the city from it's center.
Blutwurst wasn't too fond of the plan, but agreed, after hearing that our furlough would be in Vienna after this mission. Ahhhh, the Vienna Sausage Choir and Vienna sausage women!! Music to any Wurstmarcht soldier.
Parachute training began immediately, practicing our jumps off the kitchen table in the messhall at Luftsausage Airfield #3. Can't disclose the location, as OSS may intercept this. Yeah, the war is over, but you can never be too cautious. The practice jumps went great, but the actual parachute rigs needed some additional work. As sausages with no shoulders and groin, the rigs kept slipping-off. Try putting a backpack on a broomstick, you'll get the same effect. Working through that problem, we were set to go, excited to get it over with, and more excited to get to Vienna.
Several days passed before the jump, not much to do, so we passed our time and stayed in shape by running from the ever present hungy German Shepherds that were on base. It was deja vu all over again for us, as we had that same problem returning to the pig farm in Schweinburg.
Finally, the call came from Division Commander Usker Mayer, we would jump at 0300. This didn't allow for much rest, and pre-jump anxiety made sleeping that much more difficult. 0200--we were woke up by Lt. Schweinfleische, quickly grabbed a bite of rye bread, gathered our equipment, and escorted by Wurstmarcht Lunchbox transport to the awaiting Luftsausage JU-88. Taking our seats, the pilot started the engines, and took off. He complimented us on our weight, it provided for an easy take-off. Go figure, what do 4 sausages weigh? Less than a pound?, no wonder the take-off was easy. Gaining altitude, the flight got rough. Like an uncontrolled roller coaster ride, and the eerie creaking noise of the aluminum frame and fuselage panels. I now knew what it was like to be flying in a motorized sardine can.
Blutwurst wasn't taking it well, and looked real green to the gills. Liverwurst and Knockwurst? They were having the time of their lives, airborne sausage commandos, how awesome is that, they thought. The pilot called the drop, less than 3 minutes out. Those three minutes were the longest of our lives, sitting there, waiting-for what seemed like an eternity, for the jump-light to go off. Knockwurst would go first, then Liverwurst, then me, and finally, Blutwurst.
Timing was going to be crucial, too much delay, and we would miss our mark and most likely land in one of the allied encampments around Ball de Park Francs.
"Go! Go! Go!", the pilot yelled as the jump light went off. Knockwurst bailed with a vengeance. Liverwurst somersaulted out like a champ. I went head-first. Dropping fast, I could see Knockwurst and Liverwurst's parachutes open beneath me. My opened, jerking me upwards, as I looked up to see where Blutwurst was. He delayed, choosing to recite a prayer before jumping, putting him past +10 seconds. I watched his parachute open, thinking surely he was going to misdrop over the mark.
The first three of us hit the terra hard, but no injuries to report. Gathering the chutes, we watched Blutwurst come down past a grove of trees, several hundred yards away. Liverwurst asked if we should go get him. "No", we needed to stay to the plan, even if divided up, we all knew the rallying point, and I was certain that we would meet up with him there.
0315--At the rallying point, there was no sign of Blutwurst, he was pivotal to operation, as he had the Sausageshrek, which would defend us against enemy armor. We couldn't wait any longer, and we carried on with the mission, and it went off without a hitch. One hot dog cart at a time, the weiner soldiers were liberated. With each cart liberated, more and more soldiers joined our ranks. Armed with MP44 Ketchup Squirters, MP40 Mustard machine guns, and reacquiring several Wurstelwerfers, the outward push was easily accomplished--coupled with the fact that most the allied forces were still sleeping at this time.
0600--After consolidating our gains, we started looking for Blutwurst. Couldn't find any sign of him. We were really losing hope, and thinking the "links were broken." Not too soon after, a Wurstmarcht weiner schnitzel scout excitedly told us that they had found a desserted allied encampment, just outside of Ball de Park Francs, and that there was note left there. We rushed to the site, to find a very sad note regarding Blutwurst. "To the Wurstmarcht, while on guard duty, I just wanted to thank you for the delicious sausage left in my cookpot. Yours truly, PFC Jimmy Joe-US 3rd Army." Blutwurst not only misdropped, he misdropped right into a night guard's boiling cook pot, ultimately being devoured by this GI. "What a way to go", we all thought. Blutwurst did not die in vain though, he was awarded the Iron Griddle for his bravery and self-sacrifice as a devoted soldier of the Wurstmarcht's Grosswurstland Division.
He will be missed and he will be missing all our fun on furlough in Vienna!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Sausage as sausage.
The rest and relaxation in Vienna was fantastic. Knockwurst grew real fond of a blonde-haired, blue-eyed frau schnitzel while on this retreat. So taken by this beauty, he intends to relocate there after the war is over. Although on a break from the action, the three of us kept up on the going-on's of the war by reading papers, military and civilian issued. Seems Gen. Satin's 3rd Armored Division was really making a dent into Wurstland held territory. We were well-rested now, and excited to get back into the battle.
Prior to our departure, from Vienna back to the front, we were informed that we were selected for a very top secret and probable pivotal mission. We were to rendevous with Lt. Usker Mayer at the fuhrer's secret hide-out, in the Bawurstian Alps, for the mission details. The weather in the Alps was extreme, at that altitude, the snow never melts and it is always cold. Trudging up the trail to the hide-out was hard, all three of us suffered extreme frost-bite, requiring all of us to be defrosted in a microwave, upon our arrival. Fully defrosted now, we were told to rest for the night and that we would be briefed in the morning.
Arising at 0500, we were given breakfast and told to assemble in the briefing room. Patiently awaiting Lt. Usker Mayer's arrival, we could not help but notice the vast array of maps, intelligence, and other items laid about this room. In an attempt to get-in-the-know, we perused the maps, looking for any indication of where we may be heading. No avail, the only thing these maps indicated were where the best restaurants to eat at are. Evidently, Lt. Mayer has a fetish for superior dining. We all laughed, just as Lt. Mayer entered the room. Talk about feeling odd, you know, wondering if he was wondering if we were laughing at him. Well, the briefing would start soon, and we were advised to take our seats on the table.
0600-Briefing starts. "First off, you three sausage soldats, are to be commended for your heroic actions and courage displayed in the liberation of the hot dog carts in Ball de Park Francs." Lt. Mayer said. He then went on to inform us that Gen. Satin, thru the use of Gestapo kitchen spies, was in Schnitzelville, a small town just inside the German southwest border. He established headquarters in a country house there, while waiting on the rest of his division to ketchup. Gen Satin is known to have an affection for German pork products, and the plan is to exploit this weakness. "The plan?" Lt. Mayer stated, "The plan is to have the three of you sausages, pose as...yes...sausages!" We were amused, listening intently. "Posing as sausages, you will make your way to his dinnertable, via covered platter, and when he removes the cover, that is when you will spring into action, taking him prisoner!" Lt. Mayer exclaimed. "If successful, with Gen Satin prisoner, we will force him to make the 3rd Armored Division withdraw from Germany, thus, giving the Wurstmarcht the opportunity to strike them hard on their withdraw, disabling the 3rd Armored Division to the point of collapse!" He shouted. "This will provide for the much-needed German edge, but it is extremely risky, and you three are the best suited for this mission." He ended. "What risks?" we asked, stupidly. "The risks?, the risks are your capture, or worse, you could be eaten!" He yelled. "Your training for this pivotal mission begins immediately!" he stated and then stormed out of the room. We all just looked at each other, we thought Ball de Park Francs was a big mission, that was a drop in the bucket compared to this one.
Prior to our departure, from Vienna back to the front, we were informed that we were selected for a very top secret and probable pivotal mission. We were to rendevous with Lt. Usker Mayer at the fuhrer's secret hide-out, in the Bawurstian Alps, for the mission details. The weather in the Alps was extreme, at that altitude, the snow never melts and it is always cold. Trudging up the trail to the hide-out was hard, all three of us suffered extreme frost-bite, requiring all of us to be defrosted in a microwave, upon our arrival. Fully defrosted now, we were told to rest for the night and that we would be briefed in the morning.
Arising at 0500, we were given breakfast and told to assemble in the briefing room. Patiently awaiting Lt. Usker Mayer's arrival, we could not help but notice the vast array of maps, intelligence, and other items laid about this room. In an attempt to get-in-the-know, we perused the maps, looking for any indication of where we may be heading. No avail, the only thing these maps indicated were where the best restaurants to eat at are. Evidently, Lt. Mayer has a fetish for superior dining. We all laughed, just as Lt. Mayer entered the room. Talk about feeling odd, you know, wondering if he was wondering if we were laughing at him. Well, the briefing would start soon, and we were advised to take our seats on the table.
0600-Briefing starts. "First off, you three sausage soldats, are to be commended for your heroic actions and courage displayed in the liberation of the hot dog carts in Ball de Park Francs." Lt. Mayer said. He then went on to inform us that Gen. Satin, thru the use of Gestapo kitchen spies, was in Schnitzelville, a small town just inside the German southwest border. He established headquarters in a country house there, while waiting on the rest of his division to ketchup. Gen Satin is known to have an affection for German pork products, and the plan is to exploit this weakness. "The plan?" Lt. Mayer stated, "The plan is to have the three of you sausages, pose as...yes...sausages!" We were amused, listening intently. "Posing as sausages, you will make your way to his dinnertable, via covered platter, and when he removes the cover, that is when you will spring into action, taking him prisoner!" Lt. Mayer exclaimed. "If successful, with Gen Satin prisoner, we will force him to make the 3rd Armored Division withdraw from Germany, thus, giving the Wurstmarcht the opportunity to strike them hard on their withdraw, disabling the 3rd Armored Division to the point of collapse!" He shouted. "This will provide for the much-needed German edge, but it is extremely risky, and you three are the best suited for this mission." He ended. "What risks?" we asked, stupidly. "The risks?, the risks are your capture, or worse, you could be eaten!" He yelled. "Your training for this pivotal mission begins immediately!" he stated and then stormed out of the room. We all just looked at each other, we thought Ball de Park Francs was a big mission, that was a drop in the bucket compared to this one.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Dinner is Served!
September 28th, 1944-- We began training for this mission in the kitchen of the fuhrer's uncle's brother's cousin's sister's friend's next-door neighbor in the quaint Bawurstian village of Weinerville-Ein-Rye. The first couple of times was a little awkward. With Lt. Usker Mayer watching closely, the three of us would have to lay down naked on a bed of lettuce on a silver platter. We all felt so violated. Playing the part of a sausage wasn't hard/that is what we are. It was just so damn hard laying there naked, with your fellow soldiers, as moron Mayer watched. Honestly, it felt a little perverse, but this was the mission, so we tried our best to adapt. Our weapons were to be hidden under the lettuce when we did the mission for real, lucky for Mayer though, if we had access to our weapons in training, I may have shot his foot off for this mission being so weird.
So that's how the training went. Get up. Undress. Act like a sausage. Sleep.
And so this went for several days, until per Lt. Usker Mayer, "We had it right!" Real hard training, take off your uniform, lay on lettuce covered platter, and be as still as possible. "Whew, how exhausting is that?" Working up a sweat, just thinking about it, laughing aloud. We personally thought Mayer liked us a little bit more than we would like, as he was always there for the undressing part of it. Maybe Mayer marveled man-meat? Who knows! To much relief, we finally did get it right, and not soon enough. Liverwurst and I were starting to think Knockwurst was liking his new found naked freedom a little too much, always raving after training how great it felt to be "au natural."
After the final training run, we were briefed on additional details of the mission. It appeared the SS, (Sausage-Sausage), had some hands in this mission. It would soon
be learned, the very grotesque twist they put on this mission, to make it more real-like. Those details were withheld until the day of, but we were informed accessing
General Satin's kitchen would not be a problem, as Gestapo spies were able to infiltrate, and were posing as allied cooks. We would literally come in the backdoor on this one.
We were given two days of furlough, in which, we ran through this mission in our minds over and over again. Knockwurst was really taken by it, as he chose to not
wear his uniform at all, Liverwurst and I really think he may join a sausage nudist colony in Vienna when it is all said and done.
Mission day came, we geared up, or should I say ungeared, for the short drive to the staging area. Once there, we were given lunch and informed of the grittier details. As said before, the SS strategy for more realism was more grotesque, and we were told that to make it so, we would be laying on this platter amongst the corpses of fellow fallen sausage soldiers. But, these fallen comrades didn't die in combat, they were brainwashed by Sausage-Sausage doctors to sacrifice themselves to the skillet! We were in shock, horrified, and taken back by thought of laying amongst the fallen, that were manipulated to be fried in onions, as opposed to their own free will of fighting in combat.
...to be continued
So that's how the training went. Get up. Undress. Act like a sausage. Sleep.
And so this went for several days, until per Lt. Usker Mayer, "We had it right!" Real hard training, take off your uniform, lay on lettuce covered platter, and be as still as possible. "Whew, how exhausting is that?" Working up a sweat, just thinking about it, laughing aloud. We personally thought Mayer liked us a little bit more than we would like, as he was always there for the undressing part of it. Maybe Mayer marveled man-meat? Who knows! To much relief, we finally did get it right, and not soon enough. Liverwurst and I were starting to think Knockwurst was liking his new found naked freedom a little too much, always raving after training how great it felt to be "au natural."
After the final training run, we were briefed on additional details of the mission. It appeared the SS, (Sausage-Sausage), had some hands in this mission. It would soon
be learned, the very grotesque twist they put on this mission, to make it more real-like. Those details were withheld until the day of, but we were informed accessing
General Satin's kitchen would not be a problem, as Gestapo spies were able to infiltrate, and were posing as allied cooks. We would literally come in the backdoor on this one.
We were given two days of furlough, in which, we ran through this mission in our minds over and over again. Knockwurst was really taken by it, as he chose to not
wear his uniform at all, Liverwurst and I really think he may join a sausage nudist colony in Vienna when it is all said and done.
Mission day came, we geared up, or should I say ungeared, for the short drive to the staging area. Once there, we were given lunch and informed of the grittier details. As said before, the SS strategy for more realism was more grotesque, and we were told that to make it so, we would be laying on this platter amongst the corpses of fellow fallen sausage soldiers. But, these fallen comrades didn't die in combat, they were brainwashed by Sausage-Sausage doctors to sacrifice themselves to the skillet! We were in shock, horrified, and taken back by thought of laying amongst the fallen, that were manipulated to be fried in onions, as opposed to their own free will of fighting in combat.
...to be continued
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